


In Regards to Roses

by alunbalanced



Series: Shikasaku Central [1]
Category: Naruto, Naruto Shippuden
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Hanahaki AU, eventual shikasaku - Freeform, listen sad endings break my heart and i can’t handle writing them, non-canon compliant, unbeta’d
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-01 03:26:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 16,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15765636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alunbalanced/pseuds/alunbalanced
Summary: He knew how it started. It started with a tickle in the back of his throat. No, actually. It started with a sunny smile and a request for help. It started with determined green eyes and a ridiculous hair color (for a ninja). It started with a girl who didn’t know how to stop feeling for the people who suffered around her, no matter if it was a patient, a friend, or even, on occasion, enemies. It started with Sakura.But he had no idea how it would end.





	1. Chapter 1

_Seven months ago, late October_

 

Shikamaru cleared his throat for the tenth time that afternoon. Ino looked at him strangely from across the table at Yakiniku-Q and paused in her dramatic retelling of her latest dating escapade.

“Shikamaru? Do you need some water? That’s the third time you’ve cleared your throat since we sat down. You’re not sick, are you?”

He waved her concern off, brushing it aside as he wordlessly gestures for her to keep going. Choji side-eyed him from his spot next to the window and Shikamaru shook his head silently. The rest of the meal was spent listening to Ino vacillate on the qualities of her newest catch and discussing non-particulars of their most recent missions, in case of eavesdroppers. Classified information had to remain just that, after all.

When they had paid the bill and stood to leave, walking out of the entry together, Shikamaru felt a tickle in his throat and turned away while Ino and Chouji talked about their next planned meeting at the training grounds. He cleared his throat more forcefully this time, and blinked in surprise as he felt something delicate in texture settle on his tongue. He discreetly reached into his mouth to pull it out and palmed it before it could be seen as he turned to agree to the time and place of the next meet-up. He nodded tiredly through Ino’s scolding threats about what would happen to him if he was late or bailed on them. He gave one final nod to Chouji before lifting his hand in a wave as he turned to walk away.

He waited until he’d rounded the corner before ducking surreptitiously into an alcove and opening his hand to see a delicate petal, shiny and damp with spit and crumpled from being clutched in his hand, resting in the center of his palm.

“... what the hell...?”

 

* * *

 

_Nine months ago, mid-August_

 

It had been less than a year ago that he realized he was well and truly fucked. Of all the girls he could have taken a fancy to, of all the women he could have fallen for, it had to be Sakura.

When the realization had hit him, he had stopped breathing for a solid minute, watching clouds roll by above him unseeingly. A pink haired woman moved her head into his line of vision, frowning at him.

“Shikamaru? Did you hear what I said? I said that I needed your help getting a look at some of the Nara clan’s medical texts for a project I’m working on. Tsunade-shishou said you’d be able to get me in to look at them.” She paused, looking a bit unsure for once. “... you can, right? I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t really need to look through them.”

She must have been concerned with how long it was taking him to respond – that kind of uncertainty in her voice was rare these days. She was, after all, trained under Tsunade-hime. The Godaime Hokage didn’t tolerate wishy-washy people in general, and would never have taken a student who didn’t have an already sturdy backbone waiting to be dipped in steel.

He cleared his throat to get her to stop furrowing her brow while battling a fierce desire to reach up and smooth it out for her.

“Sure, Sakura. Let me know when you have time and I’ll go with you to our clan library.”

He watched as she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, momentarily distracted by the sight and what was he, thirteen? He shifted his head to dislodge the thought, letting out a huff of air.

“... would you be willing to go sometime later today, then? I know you’re trying to relax and you’d be doing me a favor, but this is pretty urgent – the project is A-class in terms of rank, so it needs to be started and completed as quickly as possible.”

Shikamaru regarded her for a second before he patted the ground beside him.

“Watch the clouds with me for a bit and then we can go. Tell me about your project, if the information isn’t above my clearance level.”

Sakura hesitated for less than a second before she sat down, sprawling next to him on the ground somewhat gracelessly. He found it endearing – he recalled the fawns from that year doing something similar when they got tired of running after their mothers. He carefully smothered his smile as she tried to find a comfortable spot to lay on the ground, inadvertently edging closer to him in the process.

He closed his eyes when the sun shone through the clouds on their faces and listened as she spoke, practically feeling her voice soak into his pores in the same way the sunlight did.

Oh, yes. He was absolutely fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose Bud, Pink. New love.


	2. Chapter 2

 

_Ten years ago, mid-August_

The first time he had come across mentions of the disease, he had been nine years old and thoroughly disenchanted with the idea of love in general. It didn’t make sense in his mind, so he felt it was easier to ignore the existence of it until it somehow became relevant, something he doubted it would manage to do.

He had been in the clan library with his father while Shikaku was bent over an ancient clan text for reference on a project the Sandaime had asked him to look into. Shikamaru had picked up a couple books and was paging through them to stave off boredom. It wasn’t working very well. He yawned as he leafed through a smaller book that looked almost as old as the one his father was working from. When he turned the page, he noticed several pressed flowers and petals. He tilted his head before reading the accompanying entry.

_“The disease in question, heretofore known as Hanahaki in name, is a violent manifestation whose requirements seem to be an unspoken and unrequited affection for another. The symptoms include irritated trachea and bronchial tubes from coughing up flower petals and, in severe cases, entire flower heads. Posthumous examination of several victims seems to indicate the flowers rooting at the base of the lungs and slowly growing over time to take up more and more space, choking the patient from the inside._

_Known cures are few and far between: we have experimented with surgical removal of the flowers, with the side effects being decreased lung capacity and a decided lack of any emotional connection to whoever the cause of the symptoms may have been._

_There has been only one recorded case of a natural cure taking place: the patient in question confessed their feelings to the object of their affection and, upon hearing the affection was returned, experienced a complete lack of symptoms from there on out. The patient agreed to a surgical examination to discover the cause for the sudden lack of symptoms. Upon opening the chest cavity, it was noted that the only remains of the flowers had wilted and seemed to be withering away at an alarmingly fast rate (the patient must have had several blooms at the height of their illness, but when the examination was concluded, only two wilting flowers remained in one lung, while the other lung was completely clear of any signs of the original infection._

__\- Nara Shikari, 3rd head of the Nara clan”_ _

Shikamaru had pursed his lips and considered the information, before questioning his father. A surprisingly bitter look had crossed Shikaku’s face before it was gone and he listened as Shikamaru explained his reservations.

“A disease centered around love? Unrequited love? That seems like some kind of fantasy or fairy tale, if you ask me.”

He crossed his arms and tilted his head consideringly. His father had stopped writing, and laid his pen down carefully.

“I assure you, Shikamaru, it is very real. Thinking it’s made up doesn’t make it less so.”

The boy frowned, his eyes narrowing and his eyebrow lifting in disbelief. Shikaku sighed, his shoulders dropping as if suddenly weighed down.

“... It’s real, son. I’ve seen it up close and personal.” Uncharacteristic apprehension flitted across the usually unflappable clan head’s face. “... there was a girl, someone I attended the Academy with, who developed those exact symptoms. She never talked about who caused those peony petals, but she died with her lungs full of flowers.” He paused. “... It sounds like a romantic way to go, but it was painful to watch. She refused the surgery to remove the flowers. She said the pain and promise of death was preferable to forgetting how she felt, even if she never told them. I remember your mother was heartbroken when we got the news of her passing – they were best friends despite her being from the Civilian District.”

During the explanation, Shikamaru had slowly folded his hands together in contemplation, closing his eyes.

“... that was stupid of her. Sentimentality and stubbornness are what killed her, then – she should have had the surgery, or at least told the person how she felt. Just in case.”

His father eyed him sadly, humming faintly before turning back to his work and leaving Shikamaru to think more on this new discovery. Shikamaru used the next few hours to come up with contingency plans if he or one of his friends ever ended up in such an unfortunate situation as the one the book described, however unlikely it was.

 

* * *

 

_Six months ago, early November_

Shikamaru sat in his darkened room in silence, staring down at the petal on his bedspread in resentment. As if he needed a physical reminder that his feelings weren’t, as far as he knew, returned. But how could they be? Sakura was still in love with the Uchiha, last he checked. Ino had brought it up the last time she’d mentioned Sakura in conversation, stating it as a fact. Nevermind that the Uchiha had been gone from Konoha for nearly seven years. Nevermind that he was a traitor to those who had called him a friend and comrade-in-arms. He sighed and a wracking cough started up in the back of his throat, spilling two more petals into his hand as he covered his mouth. He swallowed gingerly, dropping the petals to join the first on his sheets, before folding his hands together in silent consideration.

He had options. He could have the surgery – it was early enough, probably, that the damage to his lungs was likely negligible. But there were downsides to that plan. The complete removal of any emotional attachment – he may not be the closest of friends with Sakura, but they occasionally took missions together (their skill sets and tactical minds made them a good pair) and he couldn’t afford to lose the camaraderie they shared. Not to mention the surgery would put him in the hospital for at least a week, and that was Sakura’s stomping ground when she was in the village. She’d undoubtedly grow concerned for his wellbeing and use her status as a hospital administrator and Head Medic to look at his medical file and see what was wrong – to see if she could help. Shikamaru had no doubt that the moment she saw his diagnosis, neurons would start firing across synapses, and she’d have it all figured out by the end of the day. He shook his head slowly, not acknowledging the tiny, stubborn voice in the back of his head that stalwartly asserted that his feelings for the talented medic were more important. Sentimentality and stubbornness killed people, but there were worse ways to die. He was a shinobi, after all. He danced with death on the regular.

He sighed, dropping his head forward and rubbing a hand across the back of his neck tiredly. The option he was almost positive wasn’t viable was to simply tell her. He wasn’t interested in being told his feelings weren’t returned. He wasn’t interested in hearing a verbal confirmation that the emotion he’d been harboring was futile, a useless expenditure of energy.

He folded his hands together again, fingertips meeting in a practiced motion as he closed his eyes. He had options. He just had to find them.

But more than that, he had time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose, Hundred-leaved. Pride, dignity of mind.


	3. Chapter 3

 

_Five months ago, late November_

 

He had no time.

Shikamaru held his breath, his hand clutching the scroll that was the mission objective as patrols met up halfway across the clearing. His position was still secure for the moment, but he could feel the telltale tickle in his throat.

He prayed silently and desperately to any deity that may be listening to let him go unnoticed, to let the sensation pass unfulfilled, but he knew it was a losing battle.

Serendipitously, a series of explosions set off in the opposite direction drew the patrols’ attention, and as soon as they left, he sprinted towards the predetermined rendezvous point, doing his best to keep his coughing quiet and contained to his fist. His lungs seized in protest, and he soon had a handful of petals and tiny buds in his palm for his trouble. He shoved them into a pouch, unwilling to risk the possible discovery, even by the enemy. It was unlikely, but there was a chance they could trace the disease, determine where the out of season petals had originated from, and he refused to entertain the idea for more than a scant second.

It was scant minutes later that he burst into the neutral territory between the borders of Grass and Fire country, ducking down quickly to get out of immediate line of sight of any nearby enemy patrols. His diaphragm spasmed violently in an attempt to expel the petals overcrowding his lungs. He was still hacking when Genma popped up at his side, one eye behind and the other firmly fixed on Shikamaru. The tactician managed to wheeze out a final petal as he regained control, panting quietly as he ducked his head tiredly. Genma reached out to grasp his shoulder bracingly, his brow furrowing as the senbon between his teeth shifted.

The sight of several full petals over a few rose buds was jarring to both of them. Shikamaru could feel Genma’s hand tighten reflexively as the jounin stiffened. Between them, silence reigned as they waited for their third. Shikamaru stifled another dry cough as he shoved the petals and buds into the pouch at his hip. When Aoba caught up to them, dusting off his vest, Genma purposefully caught Shikamaru’s eye. He held back a sigh, dropping his head forward. This would have to go in the official report. That meant Tsunade would see it.

And that meant questions.

 

* * *

 

_Eight months ago, mid-September_

 

“Tilt your head back a little for me, I’m going to check the damage to your throat.”

Shikamaru winced as he slowly leaned his head back, clenching his jaw while the Godaime poked and prodded at the vibrant bruising. He breathed shallowly through his nose as she methodically moved his head, going through the range of motion and watching his reactions with eyes that could put a tracking ninja to shame.

When she finished, he let out a grunt, reaching up to gingerly rub at the edges of the handprints and leaning forward on his knee with his free elbow. Forgoing speech would be annoying, but chuunin and jounin all used the same signs learned as genin to communicate silently.

_‘Bad? How long?’_

He punctuated the gestures with raising an inquisitive eyebrow, tensing only slightly as the door flew open to reveal his Team 10 teammates. Ino was halfway into her worried scolding speech, which he had already heard no less than three times this year alone, and Chouji was stress eating. And Sakura. She was obviously the one who escorted them to his room, as she flicked an apologetic gaze between him and Tsunade, though he was observant enough not to miss the amused glint as Ino cycled right into her complaints about him not listening, and didn’t he have anything to say for himself, and why couldn’t he place his own safety on the same level as his teammates’ safety.

He very carefully kept his eyes from drifting over her too frequently; Tsunade was entirely too observant when it came to her second apprentice. Ino was another matter entirely, seeing as she had reconciled with Sakura and was back to being altogether too proprietary and nosy when it came to her best friend, especially after their long rivalry. He didn’t need the Godaime questioning his intentions (which he didn’t have, really) with her student, and he certainly didn’t need Ino poking her nose in where it was completely unnecessary.

Tsunade more or less ignored the entrance of his friends and gave him a succinct diagnosis, her bedside manner more perfunctory because she knew he preferred it.

“There’s bruising to the trachea that caused some substantial damage. No speaking if you can help it for the next week, no solid foods until next Wednesday, and no missions for two weeks.”

He silently groaned, dropping his head forward as his shoulders drooped. Being taken off the mission roster wasn’t technically a bad thing, but if he wasn’t on the roster, it meant friends and comrades going out without his tactical expertise to support them. He refused to place himself on a pedestal, but he knew that he was a valuable shinobi whenever he was on active duty, both for his bloodline and for his intelligence.

His eyes slid over to Sakura as she did her best to placate Ino, if only for Tsunade’s patience, rapidly thinning if the red rising in her cheeks was anything to judge by.

“Also, none of your cancer sticks until you’re back on active duty.”

That caught his attention, his eyes snapping back to the Godaime’s face. His gestures were emphatic and had a decidedly annoyed cant.

_‘Seriously? Two weeks? Didn’t think you of all people would forbid someone their vices.’_

The blonde smirked at him.

“I could up that to three weeks, to accompany the extra week I’ll add to your vacation. But no smoking until I clear you for active duty again. Those cancer sticks will irritate the damage and you’ll probably choke on the smoke in your lungs in the process. No smoking.”

Imperiously, she raised an eyebrow at him, daring him to question her diagnosis again.

With a sigh, he reached up to rub the back of his neck, nodding idly as he stood from the examination table, swallowing gingerly.

He was headed for the door when someone tapped his shoulder. He turned automatically, raising an eyebrow at Sakura as she stood smiling in front of him. When she spoke, he clenched his jaw and swallowed again, despite the pain.

“Not that we don’t trust your word, but we’re confiscating those cigarettes in your pouch. You can have them back when Tsunade-shishou clears you.”

He stared dumbly at her palm, extended expectantly between them. After a pause that felt like an eternity, he fumbled his pack out of his pouch, depositing them in her hand and blessing her fingers as they curled gently around them. His own fingers twitched, and he shoved them in his pockets, slouching as he turned away. Belatedly, he lifted one of his hands and signed a quick farewell to the medic-nins, ambling out of the room with Ino at his ear and Chouji at his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose, Full-blown (placed over two buds). Secrecy.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (just a quick note to say that y’all leaving comments has been so encouraging and i really genuinely appreciate reading them - they make my day when i’m seeing the alerts at work ❤️)

 

_Four years ago, mid-July_

 

She found him in the Tower, making his way through all the paperwork that had piled up with the transition to a new Hokage. He wasn’t particularly enjoying himself, but his father had insisted that he help share the load now that he was officially a chuunin.

Sakura watched him from the doorway for a few moments before she walked into the room and straightened the pile of paperwork teetering on the edge of the desk.

“Looks like they’re keeping you busy, Shikamaru. I feel like I never see you outside the Tower these days.”

He read into her tone. Hesitance. He knew she had been spending time at the Tower as well, working her tail off to convince Tsunade-sama that she was worth the time to train. That hesitance that was so integral to who she had always been was slowly fading away, but sometimes insecurity still reared it’s ugly head.

He’d been avoiding her.

After the failed mission, he had sought her out to apologize. He didn’t bother with excuses as he had bowed his head, his jaw clenched around the bitter taste on his tongue.

She had smiled.

Her eyes crinkled at the edges and her teeth stayed behind her lips.

She didn’t mean it. He’d seen that smile before during the times she and Ino, in the infancy of their rivalry, had traded barbed words softened by a fake smile.

He could feel the guilt rolling over him all over again with that smile.

And then she had told him that it was alright.

“It wasn’t your fault, Shikamaru.”

He shook himself and returned to the present, watching the girl in front of him chewing her bottom lip.

“It wasn’t. I should never have asked you for a promise like that – I’ve seen the mission statement you gave when you got back. Tsunade-shishou had me refile it when she was having the office reorganized. I know what you were all up against and how much of a miracle it is you all came out on the other side alive. I’m sorry, Shikamaru.”

Her eyes drifted to the ground, shielded by heavy lashes. He was more distracted by that than he had a right to be. He blamed the fact that he hadn’t eaten since breakfast and it was fast approaching evening.

“... do you wanna go grab something to eat? I haven’t had anything since before I got here, and I’m willing to bet it’s the same for you. My treat.”

It was forgiveness. It was an olive branch. It was an offered hand. He hoped she’d take it.

Her eyes flew back up to meet his, darting over his face to try and figure out what he meant by it.

Whatever she read caused a tremulous smile.

“... I’d like that. There’s a nice tea shop downstairs that serves good dango.”

His answering smile was slow as he stood up and walked around the desk, opening the door for her.

“Sounds good to me, Sakura.”

 

* * *

 

_8 months ago, early October_

 

He didn’t usually go for these kind of meet ups. The only reason he had ended up going is because Ino had been extra pushy about it.

 _‘You haven’t been to the last five meet ups, Shikamaru. They’re starting to wonder if you’re still alive, Shikamaru._ ’ He could practically hear Ino whining in his head and wished he could shut it off.

He’d been less patient than normal for the last few weeks – he recognized it as withdrawal symptoms, but he didn’t dare try to buy a replacement pack for his cigarettes. In a village full of shinobi, there were rarely any real secrets. They were really the worst gossips around.

His throat still felt a bit raw, but he could at least talk now. Shikamaru supplemented it with signing where he could since it was still painful and healing, but Ino had happily taken advantage of his forced silence once she got over her scolding phase.

The meet up was at Yakiniku-Q, so he was at least familiar with the menu and the environment. He let Chouji take care of ordering for him and let the conversations taking place around the table wash over him.

It was nice. Familiar in a way that he had missed. He could practically hear Ino’s smug voice in his head again. He probably needed to get that checked out.

And then she walked in the door and, despite himself, Shikamaru’s gaze was drawn to her inexorably.

She looked nice. Sakura hadn’t dressed much differently than she usually dressed, but he couldn’t keep himself from admiring the way she carried herself into the room. He averted his eyes quickly and caught Shino watching him. He avoided the bug user’s eyes as well, until they finally left him.

He joined in the conversation between Naruto and Chouji, signing his words in a way that felt as dry as he was speaking normally. Several points through the night, he felt eyes on him, and he very carefully did not turn to see whose they were. He could hear the conversation between Ino and Sakura turn towards the missing member of their group. He didn’t listen too closely in case he got caught, but Sakura sounded surprisingly… dispassionate, considering her long-held feelings for the unaccounted for Uchiha. Ino seemed to be the driving force behind the conversation until Sakura changed the subject to their next shopping trip, which Ino latched onto with little protest.

Ending the night was a relief. Being around so many loud people was always tiring, and he was beyond ready to go home and sleep for as long as he could get away with.

Except… he felt a hand tap his shoulder. And he recognized it. He’d felt it when he was leaving the hospital a few weeks ago. Turning, he saw that he was right.

Sakura stood in front of him with a sly grin, holding out the pack of cigarettes she’d taken away after his mission injury. Blinking, he took them, raising an eyebrow at her. She was quick to explain, not needing words, out loud or signed, to know what he was asking.

“Tsunade-shishou cleared you this afternoon for recon missions, as well as simple escort and delivery missions. I’d still recommend you try to cut back until your throat is feeling better – I can tell it still hurts – but I promised you’d get them back when she cleared you.”

Swallowing around the lump in his throat, he was almost glad that he still had trouble talking. His heart was beating too fast as he kept his hands loose, signing his response.

_‘Thanks. Want an escort home, since I’m cleared for that?’_

The laugh that bubbled up made him feel too warm despite the crisp autumn air, and Sakura gamely wrapped an arm around his.

“So I’m a mission, now? I hope you can get me home safely.”

He kept his face as straight as he could to convey the deadpan.

_‘I take my missions very seriously. You’re always safe with me.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose, Pink. Friendship, Grace, Admiration.


	5. Chapter 5

 

_Three years ago, mid-June_

 

The stack of paper in front of him seemed to grow before his eyes and he anxiously glanced at the clock on the wall.

She was late.

She was _never_ late.

He had to force himself to keep from running through what could be keeping her, each one progressively worse than the last, and he almost jumped when the door opened with no knock, revealing a flustered Sakura and a flock of followers.

“No, I’m sorry Ittetsu-san, I don’t have time to look over the patient file at the moment – if you leave it on my desk, I’ll take a look when I get back. Yes, I promise. Yes. No. _No._ ”

It took her a moment to get the door closed, with a few people he recognized from the hospital hallways and a few others he recognized from right here in the Tower all vying for her attention, during which time he got to his feet, stretched his arms over his head with his back popping in a few places, and meandered over to stand a few feet away from her.

He let his eyes wander over her quickly before she turned. She looked harried.

He supposed that was to be expected – Tsunade-sama had officially declared her a Head Medic at the hospital three days ago, and her status as apprentice to the Hokage was called back to light. He didn’t know how anyone had managed to forget. Sakura was personable, had managed to survive and, even more than that, _thrive_ under Tsunade’s harsh teaching methods.

He’d seen the training grounds after the two of them left it in pieces. He’d watched the look of intense focus on her face as she worked over someone who nobody expected to pull through an injury in the field.

The fact that they were all trailing her now had to be driving her nuts, but it meant that all her hard work and progress was being acknowledged.

“Admirers of yours, Sakura?”

Whipping around, Sakura glared at him halfheartedly. She could hear the smirk in his voice even if he kept it off his face.

“Oh, don’t even start, Shikamaru. I haven’t had a free moment since yesterday afternoon, and if I don’t get to have a quiet lunch break with a good friend, I may accidentally level a building.”

There was a note of seriousness in her voice, and he let his eyes warm.

“... wanna take the window? It’ll be easier to avoid your adoring fans that way.”

Her shoulders slumped in gratitude, her breath leaving in a rush.

“ _Yes._ Please.”

He brought an arm around her shoulder and led her over to the window he had cracked when the stifling air of the room got to be too much, opening it the rest of the way and helping her up onto the windowsill. She looked at him with laughing eyes.

“You know I don’t need help with this.”

He scoffed lightly.

“Of course you don’t. You’re the great and powerful Sakura-sama, Head Medic extraordinaire.”

She made a face at him, scrunching her nose as she punched him lightly in the arm.

“Oh, shut up, Shikamaru. You’re buying today.”

She leapt to the nearest roof while ignoring his highly exaggerated noise of protest, and he followed her with a grin. He was just glad he got her smiling again.

 

* * *

 

_6 months ago, mid-November_

 

“... and then I had to help Sakura get ready, because gods know the girl doesn’t own many cute outfits for a date, so I was telling her –“

Something in Shikamaru’s brain screeched to a halt as he cut Ino off, something he would never normally do. An Ino who was interrupted in the middle of a gossip session was an Annoyed Ino.

“Wait, back up. What do you mean, date outfit? Are we talking about the same Sakura?”

He knew there was a wrinkle between his eyebrows when he furrowed them, and Ino let out an impatient noise.

“Yes, weren’t you listening? Honestly, Shikamaru, for a smart guy, you sure miss a lot of things. I set Sakura up with a nice guy I know from T&I – Sadou-kun. He’s cute, and he’s got a decent sense of humor when he’s not torturing people. I had to help Sakura get ready since she’s never really been on a proper date before – they were gonna go out for tempura at that little restaurant on the corner by Yakiniku-Q. It had pretty good reviews, and Sakura needed a break from all the guff the council has been giving h– hey, where are you going?”

Ino watched him in confusion as he turned to walk back the way they’d come.

“Just remembered that I have a bunch of paperwork Tou-chan wanted me to help with at the Tower. I’ll see you later, okay? He’s probably pissed that I’m so late.”

He lifted a hand in farewell and left Ino behind with her mouth hanging open. Once he had turned the corner that led to the Tower, he picked up his pace, intense concentration scrunching his face up.

Sakura on a date? That was a curveball if he ever saw one. As far as he knew, she was still gone on the Uchiha. Had something changed? He coughed as quietly as he could into his fist, crushing the petals that ended up in his palm.

It was a good thing the restaurant was on the way to the Tower. He could observe the couple from a distance and determine if Ino had bullied Sakura into the whole date thing. Sakura wasn’t usually one to be bullied, but sometimes there was just no way to deter a persistent Ino. He knew that from experience.

Slowing his walk casually, he let his eyes wander over to the restaurant – he recognized it as the one Sakura had been wanting to try for the last month, but she’d been so busy there hadn’t been any time. He’d planned to invite her there for lunch next week, since it wasn’t too far from the Tower.

And there she sat, laughter crinkling her eyes from something the young man sitting across from her had said.

He didn’t read any distress in the lines of her body, but it was a struggle to keep his gaze impartial.

He had never seen her dressed up like this. She was wearing a cute sweater that had a neckline that was far too wide – it was falling off one of her shoulders and she looked tiny in it. Maybe that was the appeal. Maybe it was designed so the person who saw her in it wanted to scoop her up and hold her close, because she looked delicate. She didn’t look like a shinobi who could destroy a building with a punch, who could decimate an enemy if they got close enough for her to get her hands on them.

She looked breathtaking, and Shikamaru reminded himself then and there that breathing had to happen. His mind had apparently paused that necessary and usually automatic function.

He watched through narrow eyes as she leaned across the table, pushing hair behind her ear.

Shikamaru decided that he needed to re-examine the situation. Something didn’t add up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose, Burgundy. Unconscious beauty.


	6. Chapter 6

_ 9 months ago, late August _

 

Working together with Sakura was driving him crazy in the best way possible. She was right there, standing next to him, in the clan library that his father had given them special permission to use without supervision. When they took a break, he got to share a meal with her and it felt like she couldn’t bring herself to stop talking.

Learning had always brought that quiet spark out in her; he found himself remembering their Academy days more fondly than he might have otherwise without her.

Question after question carried them through the days, and Shikamaru found himself dreading the end of her special project. It wouldn’t be the last he saw of her – they worked together in the Tower frequently, and he would sometimes get paired up with her on missions, their cohesiveness as a unit impressing higher ups in the village regularly. But he still he wished they could spend every day like this.

Finishing a spectacular tangent left her winded and grinning, and he drank in the sight of her until she quirked an eyebrow at him.

“Shikamaru…? You’re, uh… you’re staring. Is something wrong?”

He fished an excuse out of thin air as quick as a wink, shaking his head.

“Nah. You’ve got a bit of hair sticking up funny. Let me…”

He reached over to gently tuck some hair behind her ear and felt her cheeks heat up under his fingers as they flushed. That was… interesting. And unexpected. He bit his tongue to keep from pushing, turning back to the papers they’d been poring over all afternoon.

“Your question about this herb should have an answer in here… let me find the right page.”

He felt her gaze on him for a few moments more until they moved across the pages he was flipping.

A few more days with her like this was more than he could ask for, and he planned to tuck every consequent memory away into his heart.

 

* * *

 

_ Eight years ago, mid-February _

 

Days that he was stuck in class were a drag. The material being taught wasn’t anything new and controversial. He usually spent the day asleep as the teacher droned on. Not that he had anything against Iruka-sensei or Mizuki-sensei. They were both good teachers, although Mizuki-sensei could be a little odd from time to time.

Today was shaping up to be more of the same, except for one thing.

Ino’s friend Sakura was actually speaking up in class.

Every single question, her hand was up in the air, her hair held back by a ribbon that was obviously from Ino’s personal stash. He had miscalculated how far into Ino’s care the pink-haired girl had gotten – Ino was playing for keeps. She wanted this girl to bloom, as she had explained at the last Ino-Shika-Cho clan gathering. She’d been adamant that Sakura was worth the effort, so Shikamaru took a moment to lazily observe the normally shy girl.

Iruka-sensei beamed brighter with every answered question, and Sakura took that smile and used it to bolster herself, a tentative smile growing on her face while Ino sat next to her and preened, as if she were the one getting the correct answers.

He felt more than saw the poisonous glares from the girls in the corner of the room, the brief flash of interest from the Uchiha kid in the second row: he was used to running unchallenged as the top of the class.

Sakura noticed the look she had gotten from the Uchiha and promptly turned pinker than her hair, tucking a strand behind her ear. She almost seemed to shrink in front of their eyes, and her voice got quieter, though the answers were no less correct.

“Very good, Sakura! I see you’ve done the readings. Keep up the good work!”

Iruka-sensei smiled encouragingly at her, and she nodded enthusiastically while Ino bumped her shoulder against Sakura’s in silent solidarity.

Shikamaru kept watching them for a few minutes yet, noting the way Sakura seemed to gravitate towards the warmth of Ino’s encouragement, the same kind he had seen from the blonde while she helped in her family’s flower shop.

There was eagerness lighting her eyes, in the way she held herself despite her hesitance.

He didn’t see much point in it, but he could respect it. He let his eyes slide shut again.

Two more hours till freedom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose, Orange. Passion, enthusiasm.


	7. Chapter 7

_Eight years ago, mid-June_

 

Shikamaru was doing damage control. He and Chouji had caught the tail end of an argument gone awry between Ino and Sakura, and with Chouji chasing Ino down to try and calm her down, Shikamaru was left to deal with a tearful Sakura.

She was sitting on the bench, sniffling as she valiantly tried to fight back the persistent tears sliding down splotchy cheeks. Her shoulders shook with the effort.

His brow furrowed and he let out a gusty sigh, shoving his hands in his pockets and walking towards her. She tensed up as he approached. He kept his stance as non-threatening as he was able to while he studied her.

She was trying to hold it together and be strong the way Ino held herself. She needed to realize that she didn’t have to be the same as Ino.

He shuffled forward and plopped down next to her, leaning back and tilting his head to look up at the sky.

“... Wanna talk about it? Might make you feel better.”

For a few minutes, all he heard was sniffling, and he figured he had to resign himself to just sitting in silence until she had cried herself out. He’d done the same with Ino once before. But then he heard her voice, timid as ever.

“Shika… Shikamaru-kun… do you think… I mean, uh… do… do you think Ino-chan is… is only fr-friends with me… because she…” She paused, taking a deep breath and steeling herself to finish what she was saying. “... b-because she feels sorry for me…?”

He sat quietly, waiting to see if she had anything else to say, before leaning forward to rest his elbows against his knees and sighing through his nose.

“You girls… so troublesome. Listen, Sakura, Ino doesn’t… do things she doesn’t feel like doing. I don’t know why she wanted to be your friend, but even if it was pity that made her look at you at first, she really cares about you. Doesn’t that matter more?”

He paused for a moment, glancing over at her. The sniffling has slowed down, and there was a considering look in Sakura’s eyes as she gave what he told her some thought. He sighed again, shaking his head.

“What brought this on, anyways? Ami and her friends trying to stir up trouble again? Their mind games are so overplayed, Sakura – and they’re just jealous that you’ve been doing well in classes.”

Those big eyes turned to him and he froze for a split second, caught in a rush of feelings he didn’t quite recognize. He felt blood rush to his cheeks and his eyes darted away from hers.

“Do… do you really think so, Shikamaru-kun?”

He glanced to the left of her face and noticed a smiling Chouji and pouting Ino trekking back this direction. He nodded at them and Sakura whipped her head around to look at them.

“I know so, Sakura-chan.”

 

* * *

 

_5 months ago, mid-January_

 

The best part of working closely with Sakura is that he got to see her every day. The worst part was that he got to see her every day and know he had to keep his distance.

Sorting through paperwork and completed mission reports at the same desk while he coughed into his fist every fifteen minutes was terrifying. He knew enough about the medic side of Sakura that she was losing patience with the presumed cold that wouldn’t quit. That meant the conversation had to distract her from her tendency to try and fix her friends.

Finishing the stack he was working on, he stretched his arms out in front of him before moving to the next one.

“Ino mentioned you went out to that tempura place a few months ago. How was it? Any good?”

Her voice was nonchalant as she glanced his direction.

“Yeah, it was pretty good. I’d probably go back again. You wanna try it for lunch?”

He shrugged slightly.

“Yeah, why not – did they have anything else on the menu?”

She hummed thoughtfully, making a mark on a piece of paper before setting it neatly aside.

“They had eggplant tempura, and I had shrimp tempura… but I think the menu also had ayu tempura. Pollock, maybe.”

He made a noncommittal noise in response.

“Was the eggplant tempura any good?”

“Oh, I didn’t have it – Sadou-kun ordered it. He offered me a bite, but eggplant isn’t my favorite, so I said no.”

Shikamaru kept his voice as light as he could after a short coughing fit, shoving petals into his pocket. He valiantly ignored the jealousy creeping up on him, the jealousy he’d been fighting since he’d heard about the date from Ino.

“Sadou-kun? Friend of yours?”

“Mmm. Ino decided it was time for me to give dating a chance, and I couldn’t come up with a good enough reason to put her off. It was easier to give in.” She shared a look with him, smirking. “... Which you would know all about, huh, Shikamaru?”

He sighed dramatically in response to her teasing voice, his heart clenching briefly. “So troublesome… cut me some slack. But don’t try and distract me – since when do you go out on dates? I thought you were, uh… you know. Still waiting.”

He very deliberately did not mention a name, but he may as well have. The smile dropped off Sakura’s face so quickly, it was like it had never existed. She looked… uncomfortable. She spoke haltingly.

“I… Well, I mean… things… have changed. You know as well as I do… I’m not the same girl that, uh… that chased after… him… all those years ago. And… he’s not the same boy I was chasing.” She paused, distressed, and he almost spoke up to give her an out. Instead, she kept going, her voice soft and emphatic. “... I can’t wait forever, Shikamaru. And even if he came back… even if he showed up on my doorstep and begged me to, I don’t know, date him, marry him… I wouldn’t. I… I deserve someone who isn’t settling for me. I deserve someone who genuinely loves me – cares about me enough to stay through everything.”

She folded her hands in front of her as she spoke.

“... if I’m going to be with someone, they have to know me, and respect me, and he… he didn’t. Doesn’t. I don’t think he ever did, and I don’t think he ever will, even if he does come back to Konoha. I’m… it’s hard, but I’m making my peace with that.”

She nodded decisively, smiling at him a bit sadly before she went back to the papers in front of her.

He watched her for several more minutes, trying to keep the shock off of his features. His heart pounded against his rib cage as he tried to process her answer, to reconcile what he knew – what he _thought_ he knew with what she had just told him.

They spent the rest of the afternoon in silence, the only sounds pens scratching against papers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose, Yellow. Forgive and forget, jealousy.


	8. Chapter 8

_ Four years ago, mid-December _

 

The best thing about mission injuries was that he was allowed to sleep while he was still recovering in the hospital. The sunlight streaming in through the window was warm against his face, though he could see from the frost on the windows that it was definitely cold outside.

A knock on the door had him debating if he should feign sleep. Ino had stopped by every day in the last week with a new complaint for him, and he wasn’t particularly interested in continuing that cycle, but the door opened and he heard a soft voice.

“Shikamaru? Are you awake?”

He turned away from the sunlight to look at her as her eyes lit up with a smile and she walked in.

“Oh, good! Ino said she wasn’t sure you’d be awake – I stopped by the shop to see her before I came, and she told me to bring a replacement for the flower she brought the other day.” She moved as she talked, switching out the cheery snapdragon bloom Ino had brought with her a few days ago, arranging it with a flower that she had brought in with her.

He could feel his breath catch as he identified the flower. She couldn’t know what that flower meant. There was no way she knew the flower meaning. He remembered Ino’s lessons with perfect clarity. That was a chrysanthemum, and it was  _ red _ .

She lifted the edge of the blossoms slightly as the stem bowed slightly under the weight of the petals, her smile fond.

“Chrysanthemum, to keep your heart light while you’re recovering. Ino said that it meant “cheerfulness under adversity.” I hope you feel better soon, it’s weird not seeing you around the Tower, and I miss my lunch buddy.”

Her smile was warmer than the sunlight he’d been enjoying moments ago, and his breath left him in a rush. It wasn’t like Sakura to mix up meanings, but Ino had confided in him that the kunoichi lessons centered around flowers were the ones Sakura had struggled with with most.

Once she had finished fiddling with the flowers, she let her hand drag over the shogi board his dad had dropped off earlier in the week to help keep him occupied.

He considered her quietly for a moment before he voiced a soft question.

“Do you play?”

Her hand startled away from the board and she looked at him with wide eyes.

“I… have never played, actually, no.”

He gestured to her, beckoning her closer.

“Bring the board. I’ll teach you.”

She hesitated for a moment before she grabbed the board and carried it over to set on the bed, sitting across from him as he drew his legs back to cross them under the blanket. Her eyes stayed fixed on his hands as he went through the motions of explaining the pieces and different moves that could be made.

He could feel his own shoulders relax as she listened to him, her questions astute when she had them.

They spent the next four hours playing, and he couldn’t bring himself to regret missing out on a nap when he remembered how bright her smile had been as she demanded a rematch from him tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

  _4 months ago, late January_

 

Shikamaru hated how he ended up in these situations. He was going to have to talk to the higher ups in charge of undercover stories for missions. Sakura leaned into his side, laughing at something their dinner companions said, and he smiled mechanically.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see their target stand up, and he subtly tightened his hand on her hip for a moment. Still laughing, Sakura took her cue, standing up and brushing out the nonexistent wrinkles in her kimono. She excused herself to freshen up, and Shikamaru spent the next few minutes distracting their new friends with wit and a charming, lazy smile.

“So, have you two been married long? That honeymoon period doesn’t last forever! Enjoy it while you can.”

He laughed easily, shrugging a shoulder.

“Mitsuki-chan is an easy woman to live with – and she’s even easier to love.”

Sakura rejoined them as he finished what he was saying, leaning in with a besotted smile to kiss him behind the ear. He held back a shiver, pulling her in a bit closer and turning to press his nose briefly to her jawline in a facsimile of affection.

The woman across the table sighed, leaning into her own partner. Sakura subtly slipped a tiny scroll into his hand.

They spent another half an hour just chatting and playing up the new couple routine before Sakura pulled him to his feet while wishing the two women that had shared their meal a pleasant night.

He ambled after her, his arms folded into his loose sleeves.

They made it to their room without incident and Sakura started setting up a few subtle traps, mainly genjutsu designed to alert her to infiltration. He knew that she had a talent for it, since she was originally a genjutsu-type before Tsunade got to her.

_‘Do you want to add anything? Maybe a shadow trip-wire? You did that last time and it worked really well.’_

She signed to him as she spoke aloud in the bright voice that wasn’t really hers, talking about how good the food was and what the weather for tomorrow was supposed to be. It was a good cover for anyone trying to listen in.

_‘I trust your skills. You should get ready for sleep – I’ll take the first watch.’_

He signed back lazily and she nodded, and for a moment things were easy. And then she tensed, her eyes widening before the slid halfway shut.

“But that’s tomorrow. Tonight… I get you all to myself, Matsuba-kun.” A pretty smile curled the corners of Sakura’s lips up and Shikamaru swallowed nervously, his breathing picking up. He knew something had triggered one of her traps.

She walked closer to him, almost predatorily, while subtly signing.

_‘Two listening in. One with eyes. Kiss me.’_

And then she stood in front of him and she smelled like the anmitsu they’d had after dinner, and he was famished.

Cradling her jaw in his hands, he lowered his lips to meet hers, slotting them together easily. She gasped softly, and all he wanted was to take. It felt like he could breathe again for the first time in months.

Her arms slid up around his neck, and one hand slid through his hair, loosening it from the braid he had it held back in.

He shivered, his fingers tightening convulsively as one hand slid down to her neck, down her shoulder, down to her waist, drawing her in so her body was flush against his.

He could feel every shudder that wracked her frame and he gently bit her bottom lip, deepening the kiss as she tilted her head back slowly.

Shikamaru let his lips move to her jaw, trailing down her neck. He bit at the point where it met her shoulder and Sakura moaned, her breathing not in control. She was a fantastic actor, Shikamaru thought desperately.

A few minutes later, she gave him the all clear signal, and he pulled away a moment later.

He regretted it the moment she left his arms, and the hand that was still against her jaw traveled to rest his fingertips against a slowly developing hickey. He smirked at her, only a little apologetic.

“Sorry… think I got a little too carried away. You can heal that, right?”

She wasn’t quite meeting his eyes, so he pulled his hand away, folding it back into his sleeves.

“Yeah, I’ll get it before we get back to Konoha – not really professional to show up to the debriefing with a hickey, huh?”

She smiled, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. Shikamaru carefully watched her face. She was deflecting with humor. He pulled back a bit further.

“In any case… I’ll, uh…” He coughed into his hand, the soft petals distracting him for a moment. He turned away, carefully hiding them out of sight before she could see them. “I’ll set up that shadow wire and you… should, uh, get some sleep. I’ll wake you for your watch.”

The rest of the mission was uneventful. He watched the evidence of their cover story fade away under Sakura’s glowing fingers before they made it back to the gates of Konoha.

Tsunade heard their report, Shikamaru giving most of the verbal debrief. Sakura spent the meeting distracted, almost speculative. She seemed completely absent until she was called on for details from her perspective. He didn’t even get a proper goodbye when they left the Tower, just a quick, tight smile and a wave before she was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose, Dog. Pleasure and pain.


	9. Chapter 9

_ Two years ago, mid-May _

 

He’d already seen Naruto listlessly drifting around the Tower, and Kakashi could be seen from a distance sitting atop the Hokage Monument. Even Sai, the newer addition to the team, and Yamato, who hadn’t given up his ANBU duties completely, seemed subdued.

He spent part of the afternoon tracking her down, but it was mostly luck that he chanced across her at the training grounds.

He heard her before he saw her, so he thought he knew what to expect.

The sight of her froze his feet.

She stood in the middle of the training grounds that looked as though they had been pulled apart, piece by piece. Trees lay across the uneven ground, dirt clumps still dangling from the roots. Shikamaru registered the sight of boulders crushed into rocks and crushed again into pebbles.

He could feel his brow furrow.

Sakura hadn’t acknowledged him yet.

She knew he was there, he wasn’t holding onto his chakra signature and Sakura had a better sense of chakra than most of their yearmates. But she hadn’t even tensed at his approach. Hadn’t turned around.

Softly, he called out her name.

“Sakura…”

He could almost hear her teeth grit.

“Leave.”

Her tone made her sound like a completely different person and it was colored with so much emotion, so much pain. He almost listened.

Instead, he sat down right where he stood, making himself comfortable.

She turned around, and she was so open in her anger and her grief that he felt the same emotions surge up in himself. But he didn’t leave.

“Didn’t I tell you to go away?  _ Go away _ , Shikamaru. I don’t want to listen to logic.”

He shook his head, his eyes not leaving hers.

“I’m not here to talk logic. But it seems to me that you need a friend. So, here I am.”

Her face screwed up in pain and there she was in front of him.

“You think you can sit there and tell me you understand? You don’t! He was  _ right there _ , and it didn’t change anything! He wouldn’t… he wouldn’t come home…!”

And she crumpled.

He kept his voice gentle and even while his heart broke for her.

“You blame yourself. Sakura, I’ve been there. You remember the first retrieval mission. I avoided you for years, because I blamed myself. You were the one who sought me out and I have never been more grateful to a friend than I was to you that day. Listen to me – you’re shaking your head. Sakura, I need you to listen to me,” his hands found a bracing point on her shoulders while they shook. “Sakura. Sasuke choosing to not come home is  _ not your fault _ . His choice is his. You don’t own that. And you know what? You aren’t alone here. I know that’s how you feel, and I know… I know you feel alone. You carry that weight and you don’t have to. Not by yourself.”

Gingerly, he pulled her in a little closer, wrapping his arms around her.

“Come on, Sakura… you’ve got your family. You have your teammates – Naruto, and Kakashi-sensei… you have Tsunade-sama, Ino, Lee, me… you have so many people who care about you, who want to help. You’ve just gotta let us.”

Sakura curled into him without any more protest, sobs wracking her shoulders as she wrapped her arms around his middle.

It wasn’t the first time someone had used him to cry against. He had experience with it. But he’d never before felt such a strong urge to fold himself around someone protectively. Giving into that desire was the easiest thing to do, because he knew that it was what she needed. He settled in to stay for however long she needed to calm down and start talking.

Sakura was so strong all the time, and he wasn’t exaggerating when he said she carried so much weight on her shoulders. Sometimes, you just needed someone to help share the burden.

 

* * *

 

_ Seven years ago, mid-April _

 

He noticed her hovering near the front gates of the village while he was still giving everyone their orders and positions.

The way she held herself was so reminiscent of years ago, when she still struggled to keep up with Ino. He felt something in his heart twist in sympathy with the distress on her face, finishing off the speech to the rest of the boys. He watched Naruto wander over to her and give her that grin and that stupid phrase that he always said in response to impossible things.

He waited until Naruto had headed back over to where Neji and Kiba were discussing strategy and hesitated before he walked over to where Sakura stood, wringing her hands. He could see the tears standing in her eyes as if they were just waiting to fall.

“Sakura.”

All he said was her name, but her attention immediately fixed on him and he had to fight for his focus in the face of the worry and guilt warring in Sakura’s features. It didn’t suit her.

“I may not have been close to Sasuke, but I promise you… we’re going to do everything we possibly can to bring him back. He’s still a fellow Konoha shinobi. We’ll bring him back.”  _ For you _ , he finished in his head.

He’d never say as much with Ino around to smack him for it, but even he could tell how close Team Seven had gotten on their missions, and he was quiet, but he wasn’t blind. Sasuke has cared about his teammates. Whatever drew him away from Konoha didn’t make that less true.

Something in Sakura’s eyes softened, and the lines around her mouth eased. She believed him. She trusted him.

He felt his resolve deepen even more.

He wouldn’t let her down. He wouldn’t let any of them down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rosebud, moss. Confession of devotion.


	10. Chapter 10

_ 4 months ago, mid-February _

 

These days, he found it hard to breathe. The ache in his chest was almost constant, and he was sore everywhere.

He rubbed at a stitch in his chest as he cleared his throat quietly. Yoshino looked at him sympathetically, reaching over to rub between his shoulders.

“That cold just isn’t letting up, hmm? Have you talked to Tsunade-sama? You need to be careful it doesn’t develop into pneumonia, Shikamaru.”

She spoke gently, riding the fine line between worry and nagging. Shikaku watched the interaction with a crease between his brows, and Shikamaru prayed that his mother never caught that look in his father’s eyes.

He turned to her, smiling faintly and making his voice sound a bit rougher than usual to sell the story.

“Aa. I’ll be fine, Kachan. You worry too much.”

His father’s face changed and he turned away, standing up quickly. His voice was gruff as he spoke.

“I’m heading out. Tsunade-sama wanted to go over a few new ideas for defensive tactics in case of invasion.”

Yoshino’s eyes narrowed briefly and she stood to press a kiss against Shikaku’s cheek.

“Don’t be home late – I’m making your favorite for dinner.”

Shikamaru stood as well, shoving one more bite of breakfast in his mouth. He almost choked on it as he had another brief coughing fit. He forced himself to swallow, petals and all, waving his concerned mother away and gasping out a misdirection.

“I’ve… uh, I’ve gotta go… meet Chouji and, uh, Ino – promised I’d train with them today…”

His mother rocked back on her heels, eyes darting over his face as her brow furrowed.

“... Alright, Shikamaru. Just… don’t push yourself too hard. You’re still sick.”

His smile didn’t reach his eyes as he reassured her.

“Don’t worry, Kachan. I won’t.”

He made his way to the training grounds his team preferred and from a distance he could see Ino and Chouji already practicing. They heard him coming before they saw him because he had to stop for a moment and catch his breath, coughing up a few more petals that he caught in his hand before they did with their eyes. They sprinted over to make sure he was okay.

Ino chewed her bottom lip, looking almost angry.

“Dammit, Shikamaru… you should be over this cold by now.” Her hand rested against his forehead for a moment, checking for a fever. He cleared his throat quickly.

“It’s just really stubborn.”

Chouji had that look in his eyes. He hated that look. It made him feel like an ass for keeping something this serious from them. He knew they deserved the truth, he just… couldn’t bring himself to tell them.

His best friend spoke up, bracing Shikamaru with a hand on his shoulder.

“Shikamaru, you… should go talk to Tsunade-sama. We’ll still be here when you get back. We can go find something warm to eat afterwards.”

Shikamaru held his gaze for a few moments before he sighed in defeat, nodding and making the trek back towards the Tower.

When he walked into her office, Tsunade looked up from the reports on her desk.

“Oh. Good. I was just about to send a messenger for you.”

Immediately, he was on guard.

“... Oh?”

She shuffled the papers together in front of her before folding her fingers together and considering him over them.

“... Your father mentioned that you’ve been having some trouble breathing with your... cold.”

That penetrating stare was unforgiving. Tsunade was well aware of his condition and had told him in no uncertain terms that he had three options: to have the surgery, tell the person who caused it and hope the feelings were returned, or to retire from active duty and live out the rest of his short life in the terminal ward of the hospital. She hadn’t immediately pressed for his decision, but he knew time was running out.

He could tell she wanted his answer.

“Aa. I have had some trouble. The cold weather hasn’t really helped, either.”

Tsunade’s eyes narrowed on him at his noncommittal response.

“... and you still won’t tell me who? I could make it an order if that’s easier for you.”

He smirked faintly.

“I think I’d rather take the insubordination charge, Hokage-sama.”

The blonde rolled her eyes skyward in exasperation.

“Gods save me from stubborn shinobi. You’ll give me an answer by the end of next month. In the meantime, I’m removing you from active duty – you’ll help out around the Tower and you can put in some work in the Command Center with your father if he’ll have you, but I won’t risk you being exposed out in the field. Dismissed.”

Her sentence was unyielding, and he knew better than to argue at this point. Bowing his head, he turned to leave.

Genma caught him before he could leave the Tower.

“Hey, Nara – we should get drinks tonight or something. Enough sulking around the house or whatever you’ve been doing.”

Shikamaru regarded him warily. Genma was a good guy, but he had a tendency towards gossip, and he was already aware of Shikamaru’s condition.

After some hesitation, he nodded slowly. If this turned into an interrogation, at least he knew it was coming and would be able to keep from spilling the beans. He’d rather carry her right into his grave, stubborn to the last.

 

* * *

 

_ 7 months ago, mid-November _

 

The lights overhead were blinding when Shikamaru returned to some semblance of consciousness.

Where was he? It hurt. He felt slower, his limbs heavy – they’d been retreating when a squadron of enemy shinobi had engaged them. What was the last thing he remembered?

He remembered seeing the look of horror on Chouji’s face as he crumpled from a blow. Arms lifting him up and wind rushing past his face and now –

Light.

He could smell the copper in the air and registered it as blood. The hospital, then. His eyes slowly cracked open and saw her haloed in halogen. She was elbow deep in his chest and looked so determined. His throat felt drier than the desert in Wind Country.

“... k’ra…”

His voice was barely qualified as a murmur, but her eyes briefly left the work she was doing with hands glowing to meet his gaze, and he read the relief behind the gathering tears.

Her hair was falling out of a messy ponytail. Despite his limbs feeling so heavy, he tried to lift an arm up. He just wanted to push it behind her ear so it was out of her face. She was the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen.

Her voice was low as she turned her eyes back to the deep wound covering most of his upper torso – he didn’t remember how he got it.

“Don’t try to move, Shikamaru – I mean it. You’re lucky to be alive, and I’m doing my damnedest to keep you that way, but you’re not doing yourself any favors trying to move.”

“Sak’ra…”

He was still having trouble breathing but he swore he felt two new buds open inside his lungs and he belatedly prayed she had no reason to check them.

Tears spilled over onto her cheeks as she worked, unblinking and utterly focused.

“No. I’m mad at you. You almost died. You can’t do that anymore. I won’t allow it.”

He wished he had the energy to chuckle. Petulant Sakura was a rare sight. Knowing that his survival rested in her hands, he let his eyes slide shut again, feeling like he could breathe easier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose of Sharon. Consumed by love.


	11. Chapter 11

_ 6 months ago, mid-November _

 

The look in Shikaku’s eyes might have been comical in its intensity, if it weren’t for the dread pooling in the pit of Shikamaru’s stomach.

He’d purposefully spent the last few days away from home, loading himself down with paperwork and simple missions to avoid his parents. He didn’t want to see the dawning realization on their faces when they realized that something was wrong, and they would.

They’d both seen people lose their lives to this disease he’d contracted, and he hadn’t thought of a solution that satisfied him yet.

Unfortunately, he hadn’t been able to plead out of a friendly shogi match with his father before they called it a night, and that’s how he found himself in this position, choking on a small flurry of delicate pink petals while his father’s face grew pale and he looked on in silent horror.

When he managed to get himself back under control, he wheezed faintly, and then there was silence.

He couldn’t look his father in the eyes.

Shikaku sounded hoarse when he finally spoke into the stillness of the room.

“... How long.”

Shikamaru’s voice sounded even worse than his father’s had.

“Not long. A week. Maybe longer.”

It took longer for the next question.

“Who…?”

The younger Nara shook his head quickly.

“I can’t tell you.”

His father’s voice cracked under the weight of his fear and premature grief.

“Shikamaru… Shikamaru, whoever it is, you have to tell them.”

Stubbornly, he shook his head. His father’s voice took on a desperate note.

“Don’t say no. You have to – or… or the surgery. If it’s only a week in, you can get the surgery. The damage to your lungs wouldn’t be enough to keep you off missions, even. Please – think of your mother. I… we can’t watch you go through this.”

His voice was soft as the silky night sky.

“... I won’t. I’d rather keep her for as long as I can than spend the rest of my life feeling nothing for her.” He paused before continuing. “Don’t tell Kachan. She may not understand.”

He watched Shikaku’s face crumple for the first time since he was a small child, and his resolve nearly broke.

Silently, Shikaku rose to his feet and left the room, sliding the shoji screen shut behind him.

 

* * *

 

_ 7 months ago, early November _

 

Ino tracking him down was something he’d been expecting for days, now. He was sure she’d held off to make him sweat, but he was too tired for that. His shoulders were always sore from the coughing he’d been doing, but he’d played it off to his friends as a persistent cold. He hated the look his dad gave him for that excuse – Shikaku hadn’t pushed again, but he was extra insistent about Shikamaru spending time at home these days. It made it harder to hide the petals from Yoshino, but he understood why. His father wanted him to reconsider his options, and, barring that, spend as much time with his family as he could before he ran out of time.

But the blonde, who was dragging a reluctant Chouji behind her, cornered him at home while his parents were out running errands or mission control. Interrogation was an inevitability with Ino, so he settled in, instead of finding an escape route. His voice was a monotone.

“Why, Ino. Chouji. What a pleasant surprise. Won’t you join me?”

His teammates had already sat down as he was speaking, Ino leaning in and eyeing him keenly.

“... You look like shit. You’ve still got a cold? I brought some medicine, you should take some.” She rifled through her bag and brought out a bottle of pills, slapping it down on the table. She watched expectantly as he hesitated before giving in and grabbing the bottle.

He popped it open and shook a few into his palm, tossing them into his mouth in spite of knowing they’d do nothing to help.

He washed it down with the remainder of the tea in his cup, sighing through his nose as he regarded the people he considered closest to him.

“Well? Get on with it.”

Ino’s eyes narrowed as she looked at him, as if through a microscope.

“Oh? Get on with what? We just came over to check on our dear friend who has been sick and isolating himself – you were expecting something else?”

She waited for the squirming. She was used to working over enemies who knew she could decimate them, physically and mentally. They were at her mercy. Shikamaru was not.

He raised an eyebrow at her.

Huffing, she crossed her arms.

“Fine. You’ve been acting weird for the last month and it’s time to tell us whatever it is you’ve been hiding. I think I’ve been more than patient enough.”

Chouji cut in anxiously, fiddling with an unopened bag of chips.

“Ino, maybe we should just leave it alone… Shikamaru will tell us when he’s ready if there’s something going on.”

He felt the guilt creep into his throat with the dejection in Chouji’s voice. It was mostly overshadowed by the placating tone, but Shikamaru had spent his entire childhood listening to his friends’ voices.

The snort Ino gave was unladylike, to say the least.

“He’s had a month to get himself figured out, Chouji. That’s plenty of time. Teammates  _ share _ . They don’t go into a situation without backup, and you know how much I hate being left out of things.”

He could hear the frustration in her voice and it added to the guilt. She was right, for the most part – it wasn’t like him to keep things from his closest friends. And he knew that when they did find out everything, they’d be upset. More than upset. That didn’t stop him from deflecting.

“Ino, you’re exaggerating things again.” He rolled his eyes at her as he spoke, leaning back on a hand. “If something serious were going on, I’d tell you. I’ve just been feeling off because I haven’t felt well.”

Ino maintained eye contact for a few more seconds, trying to read past his expression. He stifled a dry cough into his fist.

“... You were acting extra weird the other day, though. You left right in the middle of a conversation to do paperwork. Since when do you run off to take care of work when you’re supposed to have a day off?”

He shrugged nonchalantly, avoiding the look Chouji aimed at him.

“Maybe I’m developing a work ethic. Had to happen sometime.”

Ino sighed deeply, shaking her head slowly.

“Fine. Fine! Keep your secrets. See if I care. But you ran off before I could finish what I was saying – it took me ages to convince Sakura to agree to a blind date.”

He tensed at her words despite himself and felt Chouji’s gaze sharpen slightly. Ino, blessedly, missed the tell.

The next few hours were filled with Ino talking, Shikamaru and Chouji her captive audience, until she glanced at the clock and swore loudly. She gathered her things and rushed off, claiming a family gathering she was late for.

Chouji stayed.

Crunching on a fresh bag of chips, his best friend watched him carefully.

“Eh, Shikamaru… you know you can always talk to me, right…?”

That guilt that had subsided over the course of the conversation started to resurface. It gave him pause, and Chouji continued.

“I know sometimes Ino comes on too strong, but… we really care about you. We’re a team, Shikamaru. We’re your friends. You can count on us for things, even outside missions. Sakura, too.”

Again, he tensed slightly, just enough for Chouji to notice.

“I know, Chouji. It really is just that I haven’t been feeling very well. Promise.”

He smiled faintly, shaking his head. “Don’t worry about me so much. I’m doing fine.”

Chouji held his gaze for another few moments before nodding, and the conversation turned to more pleasant things until Chouji finally bade him goodbye, heading back home for supper with his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose, Maiden Blush. If you love me, you will find it out.


	12. Chapter 12

_ Nine years ago, late October _

 

The afternoon air held a chill that marked the beginning of autumn for Konoha. Too cold to lay outside and cloudgaze, but it was the perfect temperature for a cup of hot milk with legs tangled together under the kotatsu, and that’s exactly where Shikamaru was going to be in a few minutes.

Chouji had spent the night before with his family, and Ino had come over with her new project, a little girl named Sakura she had met during the specialized lessons for kunoichi. She seemed to shrink under the disinterested gaze of Shikamaru and the more friendly gaze of Chouji, who even offered a few of his chips to her in an attempt to make her feel more comfortable.

His mother smiled more warmly than the weather as she ushered the four of them indoors, making sure the kotatsu was a comfortable temperature before telling them to keep the volume down. Shikamaru’s father had gotten in from a covert mission late last night and was still asleep.

With a jaw-cracking yawn, Shikamaru shuffled his legs under the blanket and immediately felt drowsiness encompass him. His eyes lazily drifted over to Ino, who was relating the latest kunoichi classes to a politely interested Chouji. And then his eyes slid off of Ino and onto the girl next to her. He considered her through heavy-lidded eyes.

She looked almost… afraid. Probably just nervous, but Ino had a tendency to find kids who dealt with bullies to champion them. He recalled Yamanaka-san calling it a “hero complex,” and he thought the term fit her pretty well. He relaxed, leaning back on his hands when Yoshino reappeared with some snacks and warm drinks.

The first time he heard her voice was when she shyly thanked his mother, hiding her mouth behind the rim of the mug she cradled, steam rising to obscure her face more than her bangs did. He could practically see his mother melt into motherly affection.

“Oh, sweetheart, of course. Shikamaru, I’m going to go work on some housework until your father wakes up, so come get me if you four need anything else.”

He hummed and nodded, yawning again before he grabbed his own mug. He felt his mind start to go fuzzy a few sips in and carefully set it down on the tabletop. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw his yawn catch Chouji, and then Sakura, as well.

He started considering how best to convince them that a nap was in order, especially since Ino seemed determined to talk until she turned blue with Chouji and Sakura her captive audience.

Theatrically, he stretched and faked another yawn, sliding further under the blanket into the warmth and letting his legs tangle with the three other pairs casually.

Ino looked at him, annoyed as she pouted.

“Shikamaru! It’s the middle of the afternoon! Wake up!”

The next yawn was real as he laid down, watching when Sakura covered another of her own with her hand, her eyes drooping in a way he’d seen happen with the does in the Nara Forest when they were ready to bed down. He had always been fascinated by how long their eyelashes were. He found himself feeling more or less the same way when Sakura let her eyes slide shut very slowly, long eyelashes casting shadows across her round cheeks.

He distantly heard Chouji argue his case for him.

“Ino-chan, maybe a nap wouldn’t hurt… you’re both staying for dinner, anyways, right? We can take a nap and then go play a game before we eat.”

His best friend was easily the most reasonable person in the room, and despite her cheeks puffing out in protest, Ino made the mistake of glancing at her new friend who was already dozing off. She gave in dramatically, throwing her arms up before dragging a startled Sakura in.

“Fine! Fine, I guess we can take a nap. But I don’t wanna feel like my legs are being squished, so you both gotta move over on this side of the table!”

Shikamaru’s groan was drawn out. He could compromise and the fact that she had given in so easily meant that he’d do the same.

He sat back up and scooted out from the blanket with a shiver, crawling over to the other side and sliding in on the other side of Sakura, accidentally jostling her as he shifted.

“Sorry…”

Her voice sounded as soft as a cloud looked.

“It’s okay, Shikamaru-kun…”

She laid down, snuggling up against Ino who immediately drew her in almost protectively.

Shikamaru flopped back against the tatami, crossing his arms behind his head the way he would if he were watching the sky outside, until he felt a hand tug at him and turned to see Ino’s drowsy glare.

Sighing and rolling his eyes, he turned in to join the cuddle pile, throwing an arm across the girls the same way Chouji had done unprompted and letting himself relax. He felt Sakura tense for a moment, as if unused to being close to another person. She likely wasn’t used to it, but any amount of time spent with Ino was bound to change that.

They fell asleep and stayed that way for a few hours until Yoshino, curious about the lack of noise from the children, wandered back in.

She shoved a hand over her mouth to stifle the fawning coos bubbling up and raced off to grab her camera.

 

* * *

 

_ Two weeks ago, mid-April _

 

It had taken less than a week after Ino’s discovery that the news spread. Chouji had come over after hearing it from her and spent the afternoon sitting quietly with his best friend.

He didn’t even ask who it was, but there was a knowing look in his sad eyes.

Chouji had always known him best.

He didn’t leave without saying anything, though.

“Maybe you’re not as observant as you think you are, Shikamaru.”

He puzzled over that for a few days. Shikamaru was sure he hadn’t missed anything. He put it out of his mind when his mother attacked him, scolding him viciously through her tears.

It was worse than the confrontation with Ino. Ten times worse, because his father stood behind her silently, his eyes hooded with grief over the imminent loss of his only child. His only son. The pride of the Nara clan, felled by the unforgiving nature of unrequited love.

He gave Tsunade his answer at the end of the week and ignored the looks of sympathy from his comrades and the looks of interest from everyone else.

She stared him down, frustrated, before her shoulders dropped.

“I had high hopes for you, Nara. But… I won’t fight your decision, even if I feel it’s the wrong one.”

The council at her elbows protested immediately. Koharu and Homura were vehement – how could she agree to the loss of such a promising young shinobi and skilled tactician? She dismissed Shikamaru with a wave of her hand to deal with her advisors, eyes darkening in fury at their presumptuousness.

He bowed and swiftly left, only to run into Sakura. She didn’t say a word, only looked at him with a furrowed brow he wanted to reach out and smooth. He shoved his hands into his pockets instead, nodding at her and walking past.

Less than a month later saw a worsening in his condition, and he was rushed to the terminal ward of the hospital. His mother fussed over him and between the oxygen mask and her being in a constant state of near-tears, he didn’t have the heart to protest.

His eyes fell on the picture she had painstakingly set up on his nightstand, lingering on the one of him and his friends napping together under the kotatsu all those years ago. He’d forgotten she had that one, but it made him feel warm.

Eventually, she left, kissing his brow as he labored for breath and telling him to get some rest.

At some point during the night, he woke up to a head of pink hair resting against the bedspread by his hip, a hand in his own.

“... Sakura…” His voice was a croak under the mask, but she woke easily anyways, lifting her head and pushing a lock of hair behind her ear. Her eyes were bleary until she blinked them clear of sleepiness.

She reached up with her free hand to smooth his own hair off of his brow, frowning at him.

“... I can’t figure it out. I’ve been thinking it over for weeks now, and I can’t figure out who it is. But I’m trying, Shikamaru. I won’t lose you like this.”

He watched her through dark eyes, swallowing gingerly as he reached up to pull the mask off.

“I really wish you wouldn’t.”

Her face crumpled.

“Why? I could help…! I know I could help, if I could just –“

“Sakura.”

She fell silent, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth as her eyes traced his features.

“Would you keep me company? I don’t think I’ll fall back asleep for a while… unless you’re busy…”

His voice was weak, weaker than it had ever been, but she leaned in like she was hanging on every word, and despite the darkness of the room he could see the glittering tears in her eyes that threatened to spill over, and her answer held that fierceness she’d always had in protecting the people she cared about.

“I am never too busy for you, Shikamaru. Of course I’ll stay.”

She talked until he fell back asleep an hour later, an exhausted sigh leaving his lips as she carefully replaced his oxygen mask. She didn’t leave until dawn was starting to break, light filtering into the room through the window and the birds in the trees outside starting to sing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose, Wild. Simplicity.


	13. Chapter 13

_ 1 month ago, late March _

 

Ino was furious. She stood towering over where he was crouched, still coughing.

There was a fear in her eyes that followed the petals that dropped from his lips.

He was practically choking on them – he’d never had this many come up at once.

He gasped for air between sprays, his chest heaving.

The Yamanaka flower shop always had petals on the floor between sweeping, but it had never felt so macabre before.

Dropping down to her knees, he felt Ino’s hands on his shoulders as she shook them fiercely.

“What the fuck is this? Is this what’s been going on? You kept this from us! From Chouji, from me…! You absolute moron, you asshole, I can’t even believe you right now, how could you?” The tears stood out bright in her blue eyes, and she pulled him in tightly for a hug.

“No more secrets – I don’t wanna hear it, you can’t do this to us…! Why haven’t you told them? I don’t care who it is, if they don’t love you back, they’re a bigger idiot than you –“

He cut her off gently, his breath wheezing out between words.

“Can’t – I can’t tell her… can’t put that on her – and she deserves… she deserves better.”

Ino reared back immediately, the fire behind her eyes full of sorrow, and she pulled her hand back to slap him across the face.

He blinked back his shock before reaching up to touch his reddening cheek.

“You’re going to tell Tsunade-sama. She needs to know this – maybe she can talk some sense into you, you absolute ass…”

He reached out a hand to keep her from getting back to her feet.

“Ino… Ino, she knows. Has for months.”

The look in her eyes could break hearts.

“... She knows and you haven’t gotten it  _ fixed? _ What, do you just plan to, I don’t know, die? That’s what this disease does if you don’t cure it naturally! You can’t  _ do _ this to us!” She smacked him in the arm, her face screwed up with distress and tears.

He wrapped his arms around her as she continued to scream at him through her sobs, letting her beat her fists against his chest as his throat tightened in sympathy.

No more secrets.

 

* * *

 

_ Two years ago, late July _

 

Sakura looked almost out of place when she showed up with Ino and her family. Shikamaru was a little surprised to see her, but he was definitely pleased.

The three clans where the Ino-Shika-Cho formation had originated had a standing agreement to meet for a night of food and socializing to keep their bonds strong every few months, and Shikamaru remembered as a kid being shoved in with Ino and Chouji and, while he got along fine with both of them, and trusted Chouji with everything, it could get a bit old at times. Getting shoved together every time their families got together could be frustrating. But with Sakura in the picture… he wondered if he could get away with bringing the shogi board out after lunch was over.

She’d proved herself an earnest student in playing the game, and he was eager to see if she’d improved her strategy since the last time they’d clashed.

He felt his mother’s eyes on him when he smiled warmly at the girl but he ignored the shiver he felt creeping up on him that said Yoshino was planning to interrogate him later. His mother was a fearsome woman who was never deterred from an objective, whether her mission was from the Hokage, or of a more personal nature. He wasn’t going to let his apprehension keep him from a good game.

Sakura smiled back at him, the tension in her shoulders easing a little bit when she spotted him. She was familiar with him, and with Ino and Chouji. He was sure his parents would try to draw her into their conversation since she had close ties to the current Hokage – it was no secret that Tsunade valued the opinions of her apprentices. That was in addition to her promotion to Head Medic. It bespoke her skill that she had reached that title after only a few short years of training, regardless of how intense that training had been.

As lunch was set out on the table to share, Shikamaru made it a point to shuffle Sakura between himself and Ino, knowing his more talkative teammate would help serve as a conversation buffer when the adults started their inquisition. They’d never have permitted Ino to invite Sakura if they hadn’t wanted to poke around behind that invitingly large forehead. His mother opened her mouth to start them off between bites of the delicious food the Akimichi clan had provided and he immediately met her eyes and glared her down.

Yoshino’s eyes lit with interest, but she obligingly shut her mouth.

The last thing he wanted was for the three clans to come off too strong and scare her away.

He felt a hand touch his forearm and squeeze gently, and he swung his eyes over to meet Sakura’s. Her eyes spoke of amusement and… gratefulness. She had been expecting the interrogation.

He felt his cheeks flush as he cleared his throat, deliberately turning his attention back to his food while he moved his hand to meet hers. Silent conversation at the table was usually frowned upon, but he couldn’t help himself.

_ ‘Play shogi later?’ _

Her response was quick.

_ ‘Thought you’d never ask.’ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose, White. I am worthy of you.


	14. Chapter 14

_ Two years ago, mid-November _

 

Spending the day with Sakura was a welcome change of pace. She’d invited him over on the next day off they shared with the claim that she could now best him in a game of shogi, and besides, he had to help her break in the new board she’d purchased.

An inaugural game, she had said with a smile that shamed the sun, and how could he say no?

So they were sitting in her bedroom, cross-legged on the floor and laughing over a tray of dango and hot tea that her mother had brought up a few minutes ago. He felt lighter than he had recently and wondered if Sakura had noticed how bogged down he was getting. It wouldn’t surprise him – she could be annoyingly observant at times.

Haruno Mebuki poked her head in through the open doorway less than a minute later to check on them, her eyes bright with curiosity.

“How are the two of you doing? Sakura, do you need a fresh pot of tea, yet? I’ve got a kettle boiling downstairs, so make sure to let me know when you run out.”

He watched Sakura roll her eyes theatrically.

“Kachan, I  _ promise _ I will let you know if we need a fresh pot of tea. It tastes delicious, or it would, if we could get through a cup without an interruption.”

The pointed look rolled over Mebuki as though it didn’t even exist, and Shikamaru wondered at how long it had taken Sakura to grow a skin that thick. No wonder she did so well with Tsunade as a teacher – her mother came off pretty strong, herself.

“Well, you never have friends over! I’m just trying to make sure you’re being an attentive host.”

Sakura gestured emphatically at the board set up between them, which she’d spent the last few minutes considering for her next move. Shikamaru had boxed her into a corner and he wanted to see if she could figure out the escape he’d left her.

“We’re trying to play, Kachan – you’re throwing me off my game!”

Her mother was immediately trying to hide a grin, quite unsuccessfully.

“Oh, well, excuse me! I had no idea you were engaged in a life and death battle of board games. Let me know if you make it out alive, hmm?”

She was gone before Sakura could make a sassy retort, and Shikamaru casually covered his own grin with a carefully placed hand. Her eyes moved to him and narrowed as she decisively made her next move without looking away.

He was pleased that she’d figured it out, even as she upbraided him.

“Don’t think I don’t see that grin, Nara – you’re going down, mark my words.”

Unable to hold it back, he laughed quietly, and before long, she was joining in.

He felt the fondness for her creeping up to choke him and shoved the emotion back down. It had been a few years since he’d admitted to himself that he was attracted to her, but he hadn’t dared to look any deeper, even as he felt himself sink further.

The next move he made left her swearing colorfully at the board, despite her mother loudly scolding her from the next room over, and it was hours before the smile left his face.

 

* * *

 

_ 2 days ago, late April _

 

Life settled back into a semblance of normalcy, or as normal as it could get when death was right around the corner.

Of all the things to kill him, he had never imagined love to be the cause.

Visitors had kept him company nearly every day since he had been admitted – Kurenai with her toddler on her hip, watching him with a knowing gaze as she chatted with him. Ino and Chouji, still angry with him for keeping it from them but unwilling to let a teammate face his end alone. Naruto and Kiba stopping by with funny stories in hopes of lifting his spirits, inviting him to join their next pranks.

And Sakura. She was there almost every day. He knew from Tsunade that she had been adamant about being assigned to be his attending physician. He knew that she hadn’t given up on finding another solution, even as he felt his strength fade as new flowers continued to bloom and block his airway. Her eyes warred between determination and despair when she looked at him, and he wished he could ease her mind.

As with everything, he had good days and bad days. The bad days were such that he struggled for breath through his exhaustion, and doctors and medic-nins hurried around him in a frenzy of activity to stabilize him.

But today was a better day.

He was still shaky, but it was so nice outside that he couldn’t resist going for a walk. Since he didn’t know how many days he had left, he wanted to spend as many as he could enjoying the clear skies and sunshine.

Distracted by the idea of finding a bench outside to watch the clouds above him, he didn’t notice her until she held a hand up against his chest, stopping him. Blinking, he looked down and saw the face of the woman he loved, frustration and desperation drawing her mouth tight as she clenched her jaw.

“Sakura… are you okay?”

Her eyes burned as they focused on him with a laser-like intensity.

“No. No, I’m not okay. I’m not okay, and I’ll tell you why: one of my best friends is dying, and he won’t let me help him. And I can’t… I can’t lose you, Shikamaru. Not like this, not if I can help it – you’ve been telling people ‘no’ for months, but I… if you don’t tell me who has you in this state, I’ll…” She swallowed harshly , glancing down before meeting his eyes again, and he cursed the tears gathering there. Her voice was quieter as she continued. “... If you won’t tell me, I’ll get Tsunade to go forward with the surgery. This isn’t worth dying over, and I won’t let you. I won’t let you die if there’s another option.”

He felt his heart drop to his stomach, to his feet, through the floor below them, his eyes widening in horror. His breathing grew shallower and his mouth felt too dry as he forced the words out.

“You… no, you can’t. That’s not… you  _ can’t _ , you can’t take… Sakura, please, I can’t let you go like that, I can’t lose everything I feel for you, please, don’t –“

He choked on the next words and froze, watching as she registered what he’d said. Watched as her eyes darted over his face and suddenly his back was slammed into the wall of the hospital hallway, and Sakura had buried her face in his chest, hissing insults and every word she knew for stupid.

“You… you brainless… dense, how could you…! How could you do this, you would have died and never  _ told _ me?! Shikamaru, how could you be so… so shortsighted, so… if you’d have just  _ asked _ me how I felt this could have all been avoided, you absolute peabrain! Numbskull!”

He felt like all the air was sucked out of his lungs and he gasped out a question.

“Sakura… how do you… how do you feel – about me?”

She lifted her face and met his eyes, the tears that had been brimming in her eyes tracking down her cheeks.

“I love you, you absolute moron, you… you… ugh, I don’t even have a good insult that fits! I’ve loved you for years, but you never even gave a hint that you saw me that way – and after Sasuke, I wasn’t about to set myself up for a rejection on that scale, but you… if you ever pull something like this again, I’ll rip you apart and put you together again backwards!”

His heart hammered against his rib cage and he felt like the weight pressing down on his chest was finally gone, ripped away by the furious confession of the beautiful woman in front of him.

He tried his best to blink back the tears that suddenly swam in front of his eyes, blurring Sakura’s face as she reached up and pulled his face down, meeting his lips with a kiss that pulled all the air he had out of his lungs. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in as tightly as he could, tasting salt on her lips and sliding his fingers tenderly up her spine. He could live for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose, Red. Love.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue

_Current day_

 

Dealing with the attention was troublesome, but expected. He figured this would fuel the gossips for at least a week, and he rolled his eyes preemptively.

One of the medic-nin that was assigned to terminal patients had run across he and Sakura in the hallway the other day and, after letting out a scream, raced off to find Shizune, who then raced off to find Tsunade.

The blonde had found them with their heads bent together in his room at the hospital and immediately ordered a physical examination before shooing Sakura out of the room, with her protesting the whole way that _she_ was Shikamaru’s physician.

The exam had shown a decrease in blooms in the lungs, and a marked improvement in breathing capacity. Tsunade watched him as he took a deep breath in and slowly released it while she listened with a stethoscope, sighing when he finished.

“I hope you learned something from all of this. All that pain and grief could have been skipped if you’d just been honest. Sakura has been beside herself for months since she found out about your condition. Maybe you didn’t inherit that Nara cleverness your clan is so renowned for…”

He knew she was teasing him and he grumbled at her obligingly as he pulled a shirt back on. The Hokage rapped him on the head with her clipboard before she stood to leave the room, letting a pacing Sakura back in.

She hurried to his side, and he reassured her with a smile.

“Better. She says the growth has all but stopped. I’ll have to stay for a few more weeks until they’re sure it’s clear, but after that I should be fine.”

Her breath left her in a relieved sigh, sitting down next to him on the bed and leaning against his shoulder.

“Good… not – not that I had any doubts or anything, but… it’s, uh, still good to hear.”

She flushed lightly and he fell in love with the color, reaching over to brush her hair behind her ear gently.

She glanced over and smiled at him, and he could swear that even the air around them was sweeter than it had been before.

He took a deep breath and leaned in to kiss her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanna thank u guys again for the encouragement with this - i don’t think i’ve ever FINISHED a fic before but seeing comments and kudos from y’all really helped motivate me to get this done quickly  
> if any of you wanna hmu, i do have a tumblr that’s linked in my profile and i like to get new ideas, so feel free to swing by ❤️


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